Trauma & Healing



I am 36 years old today. 


I have spent 30+ years in trauma bonds and wasn’t even fully aware of it. Until now. 


My biological father left me when I was 5, I have no recollection of this. (Imagine as a parent all the memories you made with your child up to 5 years - mind-blowing)

Well, I have only 2 memories. The first is when I was 8 or so I was going to the George Dumont because I had a very bad ear infection. We were walking in and my mother stopped to talk to you outside. I knew who you were, but you didn’t even acknowledge me. 
 The 2^nd memory I have is that you were living close by to me at one time (Beechwood had 3 parking lots - we were in the 1^st and you were the 2^nd ) and I remember riding my bike in front or walking close by to see if I ever would have spotted you or you would see me. I remember feeling nervous, almost embarrassment but I was still eager to get a glimpse.  I don’t remember if I ever did, I don’t think so. My mom met my step dad shortly thereafter and I remember us walking to the store one morning and she said she would give me 10 cents every time I would call him dad, It took years and even now I struggle with it being natural. 


I have made a mess of every male relationship in my life, or rather, I knew exactly all the kinds of men I wanted- the unavailable. The best kinds were the worst kinds. I HAVE A TYPE! The emotionally unavailable, toxic men, manipulative, narcissists,  the ones I would have to bend over backwards for them to notice me on an internal level. An afterthought I felt like. I like to choose the ones who I thought I could fix or heal. If I did find a nice guy, I would push them away- I internally hated myself and felt highly uncomfortable receiving love, didn’t trust it. 


I have spent 20+ years evolving in my own mindset, breaking out of these habits, trying hard to heal. However I ALWAYS thought him leaving didn’t affect me, AT ALL. EVER. 
Until now.

 I wasn’t healing the right parts, the childhood trauma was/is SO DEEP. Buried. 


I received an email from my half brother Joe this past weekend and he told me that my dad was on his death bed. He is dying of Parkinson’s, diagnosed at 48 years old and will die any day from this horrible disease. At first I was a numb to it, and in a matter of a couple hours I WAS A BASKETCASE. I couldn’t stop crying, I was in pain, I was ANGRY, I was SAD, I was CONFUSED, HURT, and MORE anger. I screamed in the shower at the top of my lungs until nothing could come out. My FACE hurt so bad from the sobbing. As soon as I got out, I made a video for him. All my emotions and truth came out and it STUNG, but once I stopped recording a lightness came over me, a release. I sent the video to my brother and he wrote me back with the most cherished email I’ll keep forever. One line in the email said, “ … he definitely doesn’t deserve the pleasure of seeing his beautiful baby for closure, because he certainly didn’t give it to you when he was more capable.” I cried again. And again, and again. 


In he midst of this happening, my current relationship was on the rocks and it was as if a light bulb moment came over me and in that moment I was done with this, done with this cycle of toxic insecurity parading around. I am no longer accepting this into my life in ANY avenue. I have ALL the tools to move ahead and leave the past in the past. I only invite things into my life that flourish with me, grow with me, heal with me and love me for ALL of me and NOT the boundaries I lack. Enough is enough!



The reason I’m being SO OPEN and raw and vulnerable with my story, is because the more I had been open about this happening to me in my life this week, the more stories I heard of this happening to so many other people. My brothers and sisters included. THEY are all going through these trauma bonds and have been their whole life. Talking about things have helped me SO MUCH and speaking my truth has opened up my heart to allow MORE light in, real authentic light.



I didn’t think I had such deep scars, but I did, and it hurts. Healing is painful, messy, but keeping things buried deep without processing it will continue these toxic patterns to return over and over and over until the lesson is reached and the trauma is dealt it.



THERE IS NO SHAME in opening up – Whether you want to be brave enough to tell the world, or brave enough to make a video or write it down, or talk to someone. EVERYONE has trauma to some level in their life and I urge you to look inward. Who is your true self?